Scared

God damn... This just sucks, and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, hell it hasn't really even hit me at all. The only thing that has really happened is just a huge lack of motivation anymore. I sat in front of my computer for six hours yesterday and I only got one piece of work done. I found a fucking news article for Econ, really challenging shit right there. I am engrossing myself right now. I am obsessing over it because I know that there is no way I will be able to make it all the way to the bottom.

Actually, I take that back two things have happened. The one previously mentioned and the fact that my thoughts are increasing. The thoughts of suicide and self harm. Thoughts that I know I will never give into. At least I know I will never give into suicide, because there is at least one person on this world who I know could stop me. The self harm thing that is a different story.

I wouldn't say I am addicted to pain but at times I know it is very enjoyable to me. Enjoyable because it brings me back to reality, enjoyable because when I feel it I know I am real. I have been thinking about it a lot recently, pain and self harm that is. I've got a high tolerance of pain and I am afraid of over doing it.

I'm scaring myself right now, I am seeing the image of myself right now, wondering if it would help any. I doubt it would but right now I feel like the most desperate person in the world. This is the saddest I have ever been. This is the worst.

I feel terrible because I myself am just absoultely in the pits, that is a lot of it, and the other part is that you were brought into this. And it wasn't because I wanted you in this. I tell you what troubles me because you want to take some pain away, because you want to be in my mind. And I told you about this before for those exact reasons. Well I told you the stuff that I knew. I didn't know this though. I knew that she was most likely going to die, she had lukemia, her kidneys had failed, she was in the ICU, she had lost the will to live, and she had a breathing tube. FUCK MAN. I mean I knew this was going to happen.

It still fucking sucks though.

It just fucking sucks.

It fuckings sucks that we got to my house on Saturday night to bake cookies and my mom was happy that you were there. It fucking sucks that she wanted you there when she told me. It fucking sucks that she wanted to dump me on you basically in this fucked up emotional state. I am sorry about all of this shit that you have gone through with me. You deserve better when it comes to this. You deserve an easier emotional relationship. You shouldn't have to put up with this darlin'.

You shouldn't have to put up with a boyfriend who can't function currently. It is unfair to you. Fuck my arm hurts, no I haven't done anything stupid. I promised I'd call you if I felt the need to. I am afraid of myself right now though. I need something to help me cope, I'd rather it be that than pills.

I am glad it is unappealing though, I am fucking scared darlin'. I am fucking scared of myself. I can't cope with this right now. I need to go somewhere. I need to go for a walk or something, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this for. God damnit dude.

I feel lost, I feel hopeless, I feel terrible, I feel disgusting, I feel my body on fire, I see images in my mind.

Myself

I'm lying in my bed, crying and writing, as Xasthur plays in the background. I wish I could turn it off but it sounds like me right now. Tortured vocals cry out behind funeral style pianos as drum machines fill the void of the empty and haunting notes. This is me right now, an emotional mess with no end in sight. The album continues to drag on to the point of me not being able to stand it anymore. I am too tired and too lazy to do anything about it though. I hear silence for a little. These are the moments of clarity that make this music downright amazing. That is not to say that the rest of the music by Malefic is bad, it's just these moments come out of nowhere, they shock your system, and you realize truly how beautiful music can be. The piano flutters in, happy now, which is so fucking ironic since this is Black Metal. Music that is normally hellbent on destroying you from the inside.

And when I said this music described me earlier I meant it. Because the happiness is once again gone, and replaced with terror. And my happiness is pretty fucking far gone right now. It's just cycles of happiness and shit I tell ya, bits of happiness with shit stacked on.

I am scared right now because I am understanding what is going on in my mind right now. I understand that I have been too sad for just a little too long. I understand that people are noticing right now and that they are trying to help. I understand that pushing their help away is only going to make them want to help even more. But I don't want the help they give. I don't want their drugs to go into my body, because I doubt they'd even work out correctly with me. Medicine has never worked . I need larger doses yet people don't understand this, they fear for me. They fear that I am going to hurt myself, I know how I work. And six vicodin is just barely enough to get the pain away for an hour. I exceed the daily recommended dosage by leaps and bounds. I am on a whole 'nother field when it comes to this stuff.

Yet, up until this point I have never been afraid of taking medicine, because I have been able to self medicate effectively. Because the only negative effect to any of it was just a loss of feeling for a while and my body, and to be truthful it was kind of welcome. I didn't medicate just for that but if it just so happened I wouldn't freak it out. It was a way to rid myself of one problem, my body. Yet this new stuff, this stuff is going to affect my brain. It's going to affect my emotions. It's going to affect how I act, what I do, how I feel. And that is downright scary to me. I have always had control, with this I don't know. I am afraid of the potential consequences. The shit that would actually mess me up. I have taken medicine that could make me suicidal, I have taken medicine that would cause my skin to peel off. That shit didn't scare me. Those were just side effects, those were the “could happens
, the “unlikelys”, the “don't worry about em”s.

This new stuff though wants to change me as its primary job. It wants to change my brain. It wants me to be happy, and it wants me to not panic. It wants me to ignore primary emotions, to become a drone. Just worried about nothing, content with life around him.

“So first off let me tell you that all of this classified, I won't talk to your mom, it is just between you and me.”

“Okay.”

“First off, how are you feeling today?”

“Down, but I have been like this. I have been like this for a while, I have just ignored it though. It hasn't gotten bad yet, well it has, but I don't care. I am able to make it through a day, it's hard though. I am just sad a lot now though. And I have been. My life is good, but I concentrate on some stuff too much. And my mind is too loud, I can't get a good night's sleep because I can't turn down the decibel level of my brain. It shouts at me every night, the thoughts endlessly turning.”

“Wait, can you please go back to being sad. We need to talk about that.”

“Okay, what do you need to know?”

“How long has this been happening?”

“A couple months.”

“A couple months? You've been down for months and haven't told anyone?”

“Yeah, I don't want to trouble anyone. I can contend with most of my problems well and this one has been no different. But yeah I have been sad for a long time.”

“Are you seeing a counselor about this?”

“Well yeah, but no. Yeah because I just started seeing one because of school but no because there is no set schedule for me yet, because it is during school. And I can't miss that doctor.”

“Okay. Well when you saw this counselor what did you do?”

“ I told them my life. I mean it was the first session. I had seen a counselor before but stopped due to me not feeling bad anymore. But this is all new stuff. So I told her everything, I missed an entire class to tell her my life story. I told her that I wasn't supposed to live.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I was a twenty four week preme. I was on the edge of life. I just told her everything about myself, no details were left uncovered. And by the end of it she just had a few things to say.”

“Like what?”

“She wondered why I am even going to school at this moment in life. She believed I shouldn't be there. That I have too much going on to even think about getting an education right now. She told me I had heavy anxiety. She told me my panic attacks aren't going to go away because of what I have been through. She told me how amazing it was for me to be here, and how lucky I am. And she told me that she is never going to be able to look at me the same again. Basically she told me what I already knew.”

“Can you elaborate on the whole fact that she believes you shouldn't be at school?”

“Well yeah. She believes I am too emotionally unstable to be involved with that right now. I am “terribly sad” right now. She said anyone else wouldn't be at school right now.”

“Did she mention medicine of any kind to you?”

“She said that there is medicine that can help me, but I didn't ask anymore.”

“We have medicine that can help you with this, stuff that will make you happy when you are just a bit too down. Are you interested in any of this?”

“No, I don't want to be on uppers.”

“Well if you ever change your mind I can get you on it. I believe you should be on it from what you are telling me. But that is a moot point if you don't want it. So let's continue she said “heavy anxiety” correct?”

“Yes, she knows that I suffer from anxiety and that I feel uncomfortable in so many situations because of this.”

“And we have medicine for that too. Do you want it?”

“Nope.”

“Well if you ever change your min –“

“I know. Nope though”

“Okay then on to the last thing. Panic attacks. How often do they happen to you?”

“A few times a month, it all depends though.”

“How many did you think you had in your worst month?”

“Five or six.”

“FIVE OR SIX?”

“Yeah. What I can deal with it, or at least I think I can”

“How were they characterized? With pain in your chest, shortness of breath –“

“Yes. All of the normal signs of panic attacks.”

“Do you want any medic --”

“No, I am good.”

Depressive black metal. That is what I am listening to right now. I am listening to myself but whatever. I don't want this stuff to change me and I fear that is what would happen. I am afraid of how it would affect our relationship and our long term goals, and even my short term goals. I am scared that my habits would get even worse and I wouldn't even be able to get through school.

I know you're afraid of all that. But if a doctor strongly recommends you to take it,listen to them. If not, don't. I don't want you to change. It would kill me... But I don't want you to be stuck in the rut that I was... because that would hurt so much more to watch you go through that.

I know my state of mind isn't right right now. Hell this is just one long piece that is just I don't even know. Medication, I think I may be coming to you though.

I don't want to be a drone though. I JUST WANT TO BE ME.

Quit making me blush in front of you

Hey,

I just wanted to let you know that I really love how your hair forms a shelter over your glasses. And I love the way your eyes look when you see me.  They light up and make the stars envious of their beauty.  Also, I love the way your hand fits with mine.  The spaces between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly.  I love the way your smile makes my day all the time, and I love that your smile is always present when we're together. I love the way your body fits around mine when we sleep.  I always find myself wanting to scoot next to you so that we can be closer together.  I love the way you hug me.  I swear that you give the best hugs, and I always get a little sad when you have to go.  And when you kiss me, my senses come alive and your kiss leaves me wanting more.  I love the way your arm feels around my waist, and listening to you laugh makes me the happiest person that has ever lived.

In short: I love you.

My heart races

My mind thinks

My fingers tremble

My thoughts appear

My network sends

My mind hopes

My body waits

My lips curl

My smile forms

My eyes brighten

My endless cycle

Has just begun

Night

We walked in silence until we got to the middle school. We just stared at each other and smiled, that is enough language for us. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I didn't notice. You did though and you reached and grabbed it, slowly reading the message that was sent. It was from my mom, and it basically said she was unable to come home tonight due to too much alcohol, and that she was just going to stay at her friend's house. A look of happiness came over your face, and you made me stop walking just to listen to you. “Dylan, you know what this means?”

“What what means darlin'? I didn't get to read the message you just kinda took my phone so thanks for that one”

“It means I can warm you up.”

“Why darlin'? What did the message say?”

“Well your mom kinda, 'overdid it' and she isn't going to be home tonight”

“So I got the house all to myself.” As I said this I looked over and smiled at you. Knowing that you knew exactly what I meant. It meant we'd both be able to actually get sleep and have good dreams. We got to the front of my house and as I made my way over to my mailbox I stopped. I had no reason to do that nightly routine since you wouldn't be leaving. You came over, turned me around, kissed me, and took my keys out of my pocket. You took my hands in yours and led me up the stairs to my front door.

Now was the challenging part for you.

I laughed as you tried to get the key into the lock, you never are able to do this for some reason. I came over and gently guided your hands and we heard the familiar “Pop” as the lock clicked and the door opened. We entered the house and just instinctively went up stairs to my room. We were both so far out of it that we knew all we wanted to do was lie down, curl up with each other and relax.

You turn the corner into my room and I hear you let out an “Awwww shit”.

“What's wrong Sammy?”

“Your room Dylan, it is too hot”

“Yeah but it has a bed and I have fans it'll be just fine. I'll be right back.”

“What, where are you going? Don't go please.”

I went and grabbed two pairs of basketball shorts, yes they are specifically basketball shorts. One for you and one for me. We were matching now and you somehow found this hilarious. We laid down though, we were a lot more tired than we originally thought. We got comfortable though and I ended up with your head on my chest, your arms wrapped around me, and your legs wrapped around my right one.

You lifted your head off my chest, looked me straight in the eye and said “I love you Dylan.” We slept well that night wrapped up in each other. We had amazing dreams, dreams that connected, dreams that were about each other and how life would be one day.

What I would have given for the night to have ended like this.

15 Albums in 15 Days

Starting tomorrow I will be talking about 15 of my favorite albums. It will be one a day for 15 days.

I will be posting links to download them too so you can share the greatness(FUCK THE ACTA).

Letter 2

What's up _____,

Thank you for telling me what you did on Friday. Sorry for the long interruption from my mom and changing the seriousness of the situation to one of hilarity, but ChaCha was being stupid. You were there, you saw the answers it gave us. We knew that turtles can be green.

You were nervous about the whole situation, it was understandable, most of the stuff I tell you about I can bring up in casual conversation. For this though, we had to actually make a conversation on the topic.

The topic brought up a part of your life that you have only briefly mentioned in conversations. However though you never really talked about it in detail, I had the basics and I knew enough to know that what you went through was absolutely terrible. I don't know why anyone would ever even dream about doing that to you. Dude's a dick.

You told me about your time with this person and the problems that you two faced. Problems that I can't even believe that you have had with anyone. It was insane that you faced that in your relationship. You, one of the most laid back people I have ever known.

When you were telling me about this I was afraid you were going to make me start crying, I was about to, that is why I got up. I felt the need to remind you that I love you because it seemed that used to not happen. But, every time I tell you my heart jumps, and my feelings only increase with the passing days.

So here is where I feel the need to tell you that I promise I will never hurt you. I know I have told you multiple times, but it will always be the truth. Seeing you in pain is terrible, so seeing you in pain that I caused could only be one of the worst feelings imaginable. I know that the people who told you this before never followed through on their promise. I won't allow any of the promises I make to you become empty. You mean so much to me.

Thank you for telling me what you did on Friday. This is a letter of appreciation to you, what you told me on Friday only brought us closer together.


Rawr

Letter

Sup,

This is me at my worst. I know. Surprising isn't it? Nothing has ever controlled my life like paranoia once did. Routines were made each day when I got up, when I got home, when I got into a car, when I went to the bathroom, and when I went to bed. It is an absolutely terrible thing. No control over my life, and now I fear it may be coming back. Tonight was amazing, until the end. Not because it ended but because you had to leave. I am glad you were here though. I just wish you could have stayed because I really need it. I am a wreck right now. I don't know what to think about this or what to do about it, if anything.

I went to counseling for this specific issue for four months straight. It really did help, issues that I once had before I started were gone. Yet that four months was spent for nothing after tonight. I guess you could say I sort of relapsed tonight, but that kinda makes me sound like a crack head, so I think a better term would be relapsed because it is what happened.

I heard a noise outside, we were on the true ground floor. Only a sliding glass door to protect us from whatever was out there. It was loud. Like a weed whacker hitting metal. Continuously. I ran up stairs to get a weapon, my dad's dive knife. I didn't bring it down though, the noise stopped. But my heard didn't. I didn't mean to run but it was survival mode. I came back down and realized how fucked I was. This was the day I feared, technically the night. I knew that this day could come again. The day where I began to go back to my stupid routines because I felt unsafe. And I did at least when you weren't next to me, assuring me that everything was going to be alright.

You had to go though, I drove you. There was no way you were walking home after any of that. Before you hopped in the car I searched it. There was the moment. The moment where the routines began again. The beginning of it all. I am sorry.

You shouldn't have to see me like this. It's a reflection of my past. A past I don't want to relive, yet a past I can't seem to get away from.

I am glad you were there though, if you weren't I don't know what I would have done.

This isn't a letter to anybody, this is a letter to you. A letter to tell you that I love you, and that I am sorry that this has happened. I am not gonna be my usual self for a while.

Personal Statement Rough draft

Every two to three years I watch multiple people come into my house and pack away all my things into boxes. Poorly labeling them, so that when I unpack a month or two later, I have no idea what surprises I have in store for me in those three cubic feet of cardboard. This has been a constant in all of my seventeen years on this glorious planet because of one member of my family. My dad. He has been serving in the navy for the past twenty six years of his life and ever since I was born on that fateful night in Landstuhl, Germany, I have been along for the ride.

Moving and I have a very love-hate relationship. I love the fact that I have been able to live in so many different areas, the U.S, Europe, the Middle East. Experiencing different cultures, even just in the U.S, has been absolutely amazing. Every place I move I always seem to learn something new about the way people operate and conduct themselves on this planet. The fact that I have been able to experience these things has made me a very accepting person of everything around me. I used to be a very stubborn person who would hate anything if it wasn't done “my” way, yet now I am able to just go with the flow

Yet, I hate the fact that after two years or so of school I have to leave all the people I have grown to like, tolerate, and in some cases love. It is tough to drive away from the city you once called home at 5 AM because you needed to start the road trip early, without even having a chance to say good bye to your friends. It is tough to know that on the last day of school for that year it may be the last time you ever see those friendly faces in your life, or at least for the rest of your career in school.

I consider myself very fortunate though, since this upcoming June I get to end my high school career where my educational career started. In the beautiful small town of Coronado, California. I came back to this wonderful town two years ago at the start of my sophomore year so my dad could have the biggest job of his career. When I came back, I began to recognize familiar names I had once known as a small child. Names of people who I had once called friends. They didn't remember me but it was cool to be able to say that we used to know each other and now everything has come full circle so to speak. Graduating with the class that I started with, it seems pretty cool to me especially since this is the only time I have ever moved back to a place that I once lived in. I am excited about what the next four years of my life hold for me. The prospect of living in one place for four years is an exciting but scary thought, I haven't been trained to live in those conditions. I guess I am just going to have to go with the flow.

I wouldn't trade this life though for what many would consider a “normal life”. I have grown accustomed to these little quirks that I have to overcome, and I would go as far to say that I love moving.

Why

My entire world comes crashing down with three simple words you tell me. You can't hide it from me. You never have been able to. I wish you could though. Hearing you tell me the truth is always the hardest thing for me. Yet, you do it all the time. Most of it though, never serious. In fact it has only ever been serious one or two times in my life, and with each word you said you broke my heart. You never showed any emotion to your problems. You've faced death so many times in your life that now you just smile and laugh. Never afraid to leave us just so we can be here.

Today though has been the hardest one for me. You're leaving me in twelve days and you drop this bomb on ,e. You just found out though. I never thought I would be in this state again while you were here. I don't think about these things while you are here, I just enjoy my time with you and try not to come off as a normal angsty teenager. I just be myself, because that is exactly what you want to see. And who am I to deny you that?

Yet, I am up here in my room writing this, an emotional mess. Thinking I am a strong person when I can't even walk down the stairs and say three simple words to you. Words that you always tell me every time I leave the house. And when you utter these words to me I feel the emotion in your voice. I feel you telling me the truth, and it is serious. Why I am not able to do the same, I have no idea. It's just three simple words, eight letters, that combine to make the most serious phrase you could ever utter, and I can't combine them. Not to you at least. I am forever destined to put them on paper and hope that one day I will allow you to read this, to let you know that I think about your safety every day. To let you know that I share those same feelings.

Change that eight letter phrase to an eleven letter phrase and you bring my world crashing down. When you uttered this phrase for the second time in my life to me, my world came crashing down. Nothing else mattered. With eleven simple letters you made me realize once again that I truly love you. And with those letters you brought feelings of heartbreak. And with these letters I unleash my feelings upon this paper to tell you I love you. No matter how much it seems like I don't, I do.

So please let this be the last time you have to tell me you have cancer. I don't think I can take you saying this anymore.

Semester 2 Cultural Plunge

This is what I wrote about for the semester 2 end cultural plunge piece. It wasn't a plunge into a new culture or anything like that but instead it was a plunge into the darkest parts of my mind that I had been neglecting for years.

This is the rough draft and I am currently looking for my final draft, I probably deleted it after reading it once since I never thought I would put this out there for everybody.

Note: Sorry for the grammatical errors, I never really planned on this being my final piece.

Well, let me just start off by saying this is a subject that I have neglected for six and a half years. I had pushed it into the deepest parts of my brain for all this time, yet now I feel that I need to talk about this subject otherwise I really do not know how I would react if something did happen. To start off though I think you should have a little introduction into my life and my family. I was nine years old when we moved into what the United States Military classified as a dangerous place. The place just happened to be my favorite place to live. The place is called Bahrain and is situated within the Persian Gulf, and is about a twelve mile drive to Saudi Arabia, that is if you go over the Causeway. It was used as the staging area for the American military during the first Gulf War when Saddam Hussein entered Kuwait. We moved there for my dad's work. He just so happens to be in one of the most dangerous lines of the military, Explosive Ordnance Disposal or E.O.D for short. They are the people who go in and clear mines, and disarm any other explosive weapons that could be there, including nuclear weapons. These guys have some of the fewest soldiers spread throughout all four branches of the service, and they have one of the highest casualty rates because of this.

So to continue this story my family was sent to Bahrain because of the military and because of this my life has changed drastically. We lived over there during the heating up period of the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, 2003 to 2004. During this time I really did not understand the whole thing being a kid and all, all I really knew was that some people did not enjoy the way that the United States wanted the world to be run, through peace and democracy of course. Living in this area opened up my eyes to many different cultures and way of life, and I consider it a truly life changing experience. I was just like any normal kid over there. I went to school, granted with armed guards patrolling the campus and multiple cameras watching over every class room. I rode the bus to and from school, granted with an armed guard on it, and we were only allowed on after dogs and EOD personnel searched the buses each and every day, before and after school. I lived in a house, maybe it had its quirks but I truly called the place home. I loved each and every minute that I lived there and I would go back without any hesitation.

Fast forward one year later and the wars are starting to heat up. People questioned whether it was a safe place for families, however they never questioned this for the service members. They felt that they could handle themselves, of course they were right. After a few days of deliberation though nothing really happened with it and we continued to go about our daily lives. Fast forward to the beginning of the summer of 2004 and everyone's beliefs changed. Why you may ask. A bomb went off on one of the twenty six square miles of the island of Bahrain. It went off, and I use that term loosely, because all it managed to do was dent someone's gray garage door, right next to the military base and next to an apartment complex that I used to live in about four months prior. People were up in arms over the entire thing and again it is questioned whether this is a safe place to raise a family. This caused another vote to happen, the vote was to see if we should send Military dependents back to the States because many people now considered Bahrain an unsafe place to live.

The vote passed unanimously.

Families were forced to leave their loved ones behind for the remainder of their tour. My dad had one year left on his tour. We were given three weeks to prepare to evacuate the country and the military said they would fly us to any destination that they deemed safe. My mom, brother, and I decided to go to Texas. Why Texas? Because my entire mom's side of the family lived there except for one of her brothers who was deployed in Iraq at the time, but he would return weeks after we arrived. Mom and dad told my brother and I what we were allowed to bring, one suitcase and one carry on. Three weeks later we were on the plane flying to the States. But before my mom and brother boarded the plane my dad pulled them aside and said something along the lines of “If anything happens take care of each other”. What I did not know then, but what I now know five and a half years later is that this was the major point of change in my life. He stayed there without anyone from his family, alone fighting a war that most people did not agree with.

So we all went to Texas and lived there for a year, the seemingly happy family, if you looked in from the outside. However, if you were actually there in the room you would have found a family divided. We all split up. My mom stayed in the living room/dining room, my brother confined himself to his room, and I confined myself to my room. They tried to desperately get away from the situation that was at hand, and I stayed out of their hair because I really was sort of oblivious to the war at that time. During this year away, my dad came to visit once. It actually happened right at the beginning of us living in Texas, he stayed for a week, and during this week we were just like any regular family. The week quickly passed and right as we dropped him off at the airport he said these words “Take care of each other if anything happens”. And it was at that moment feelings, too many to name came over me. I wasn't an oblivious little kid any more, I now understood why we were forced to get out, and why he was forced to stay. It was at that moment that I recognized the danger of his situation.

I felt fear. Fear of the unknown really. I was afraid of what my mind could conjure up and to be truthful these fears were justified. Every night I laid in bed and became deep in thoughts. Thoughts that quickly turned into terrible, terrible dreams, and these dreams happened to become almost all too real to me. News headlines flashed across the bottom of my vision, never seeming to go away. I was on CNN however it only covered one thing, the war. Breaking news flooded the screen each day “Another soldier killed” , “Base attacked”, “Roadside Bomb claims the lives of seventeen” , “The war has no end in sight”. These headlines propelled my fears, and forced my mind to wander. I wondered whether my dad was still alive, or if he had been killed. Seeing the state of my family though I suppressed these fears. I locked them in the deepest parts of my brain and never let them out of my head.

Not having him there with us really changed the family. To this day we still have not become as unified as we once were. Now instead of everyone being in separate rooms, it is me and my brother in one room, while my mom and dad are in another. The only time we all ever interact is if we go to see a movie, or eat dinner. It's a sad sad thing, that this war affected our lives so much. And to be frank I really do not believe that we will ever truly become a happy family once again. He leaves again in August to go work in a different area, leaving my mom and I here. He does not want to be alone, but he knows how much it would mean for me to be able to finish high school off in the same place. I can truly say I love him for this. He puts us on pedestals above himself and really gives us everything. When he leaves though I know he is going to repeat the same words he has always said “Take care of each other if anything happens”. I know that thoughts will begin to form in my mind. Thoughts of the unknowns, of the what if's, of the hypothetical situations. I still have the fear of losing him in a combat situation and not knowing it. But I can also still say I love him.

Why this whole thing got started

About a month ago, I received some devastating news, and I was in a confused state of emotions. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, especially the parental units, so I decided to write how I felt at the time. I did and later gave this to someone to break the news to them, I said I would rather tell them in person.

I was told by them that my writing is sooooo, a lot of stress on the so, emotional. I really don't believe it is but I guess now I will be able to see if it is or not.