Letter

Sup,

This is me at my worst. I know. Surprising isn't it? Nothing has ever controlled my life like paranoia once did. Routines were made each day when I got up, when I got home, when I got into a car, when I went to the bathroom, and when I went to bed. It is an absolutely terrible thing. No control over my life, and now I fear it may be coming back. Tonight was amazing, until the end. Not because it ended but because you had to leave. I am glad you were here though. I just wish you could have stayed because I really need it. I am a wreck right now. I don't know what to think about this or what to do about it, if anything.

I went to counseling for this specific issue for four months straight. It really did help, issues that I once had before I started were gone. Yet that four months was spent for nothing after tonight. I guess you could say I sort of relapsed tonight, but that kinda makes me sound like a crack head, so I think a better term would be relapsed because it is what happened.

I heard a noise outside, we were on the true ground floor. Only a sliding glass door to protect us from whatever was out there. It was loud. Like a weed whacker hitting metal. Continuously. I ran up stairs to get a weapon, my dad's dive knife. I didn't bring it down though, the noise stopped. But my heard didn't. I didn't mean to run but it was survival mode. I came back down and realized how fucked I was. This was the day I feared, technically the night. I knew that this day could come again. The day where I began to go back to my stupid routines because I felt unsafe. And I did at least when you weren't next to me, assuring me that everything was going to be alright.

You had to go though, I drove you. There was no way you were walking home after any of that. Before you hopped in the car I searched it. There was the moment. The moment where the routines began again. The beginning of it all. I am sorry.

You shouldn't have to see me like this. It's a reflection of my past. A past I don't want to relive, yet a past I can't seem to get away from.

I am glad you were there though, if you weren't I don't know what I would have done.

This isn't a letter to anybody, this is a letter to you. A letter to tell you that I love you, and that I am sorry that this has happened. I am not gonna be my usual self for a while.