Scared

God damn... This just sucks, and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, hell it hasn't really even hit me at all. The only thing that has really happened is just a huge lack of motivation anymore. I sat in front of my computer for six hours yesterday and I only got one piece of work done. I found a fucking news article for Econ, really challenging shit right there. I am engrossing myself right now. I am obsessing over it because I know that there is no way I will be able to make it all the way to the bottom.

Actually, I take that back two things have happened. The one previously mentioned and the fact that my thoughts are increasing. The thoughts of suicide and self harm. Thoughts that I know I will never give into. At least I know I will never give into suicide, because there is at least one person on this world who I know could stop me. The self harm thing that is a different story.

I wouldn't say I am addicted to pain but at times I know it is very enjoyable to me. Enjoyable because it brings me back to reality, enjoyable because when I feel it I know I am real. I have been thinking about it a lot recently, pain and self harm that is. I've got a high tolerance of pain and I am afraid of over doing it.

I'm scaring myself right now, I am seeing the image of myself right now, wondering if it would help any. I doubt it would but right now I feel like the most desperate person in the world. This is the saddest I have ever been. This is the worst.

I feel terrible because I myself am just absoultely in the pits, that is a lot of it, and the other part is that you were brought into this. And it wasn't because I wanted you in this. I tell you what troubles me because you want to take some pain away, because you want to be in my mind. And I told you about this before for those exact reasons. Well I told you the stuff that I knew. I didn't know this though. I knew that she was most likely going to die, she had lukemia, her kidneys had failed, she was in the ICU, she had lost the will to live, and she had a breathing tube. FUCK MAN. I mean I knew this was going to happen.

It still fucking sucks though.

It just fucking sucks.

It fuckings sucks that we got to my house on Saturday night to bake cookies and my mom was happy that you were there. It fucking sucks that she wanted you there when she told me. It fucking sucks that she wanted to dump me on you basically in this fucked up emotional state. I am sorry about all of this shit that you have gone through with me. You deserve better when it comes to this. You deserve an easier emotional relationship. You shouldn't have to put up with this darlin'.

You shouldn't have to put up with a boyfriend who can't function currently. It is unfair to you. Fuck my arm hurts, no I haven't done anything stupid. I promised I'd call you if I felt the need to. I am afraid of myself right now though. I need something to help me cope, I'd rather it be that than pills.

I am glad it is unappealing though, I am fucking scared darlin'. I am fucking scared of myself. I can't cope with this right now. I need to go somewhere. I need to go for a walk or something, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this for. God damnit dude.

I feel lost, I feel hopeless, I feel terrible, I feel disgusting, I feel my body on fire, I see images in my mind.