I'm lying in my bed, crying and writing, as Xasthur plays in the background. I wish I could turn it off but it sounds like me right now. Tortured vocals cry out behind funeral style pianos as drum machines fill the void of the empty and haunting notes. This is me right now, an emotional mess with no end in sight. The album continues to drag on to the point of me not being able to stand it anymore. I am too tired and too lazy to do anything about it though. I hear silence for a little. These are the moments of clarity that make this music downright amazing. That is not to say that the rest of the music by Malefic is bad, it's just these moments come out of nowhere, they shock your system, and you realize truly how beautiful music can be. The piano flutters in, happy now, which is so fucking ironic since this is Black Metal. Music that is normally hellbent on destroying you from the inside.
And when I said this music described me earlier I meant it. Because the happiness is once again gone, and replaced with terror. And my happiness is pretty fucking far gone right now. It's just cycles of happiness and shit I tell ya, bits of happiness with shit stacked on.
I am scared right now because I am understanding what is going on in my mind right now. I understand that I have been too sad for just a little too long. I understand that people are noticing right now and that they are trying to help. I understand that pushing their help away is only going to make them want to help even more. But I don't want the help they give. I don't want their drugs to go into my body, because I doubt they'd even work out correctly with me. Medicine has never worked . I need larger doses yet people don't understand this, they fear for me. They fear that I am going to hurt myself, I know how I work. And six vicodin is just barely enough to get the pain away for an hour. I exceed the daily recommended dosage by leaps and bounds. I am on a whole 'nother field when it comes to this stuff.
Yet, up until this point I have never been afraid of taking medicine, because I have been able to self medicate effectively. Because the only negative effect to any of it was just a loss of feeling for a while and my body, and to be truthful it was kind of welcome. I didn't medicate just for that but if it just so happened I wouldn't freak it out. It was a way to rid myself of one problem, my body. Yet this new stuff, this stuff is going to affect my brain. It's going to affect my emotions. It's going to affect how I act, what I do, how I feel. And that is downright scary to me. I have always had control, with this I don't know. I am afraid of the potential consequences. The shit that would actually mess me up. I have taken medicine that could make me suicidal, I have taken medicine that would cause my skin to peel off. That shit didn't scare me. Those were just side effects, those were the “could happens
, the “unlikelys”, the “don't worry about em”s.
This new stuff though wants to change me as its primary job. It wants to change my brain. It wants me to be happy, and it wants me to not panic. It wants me to ignore primary emotions, to become a drone. Just worried about nothing, content with life around him.
“So first off let me tell you that all of this classified, I won't talk to your mom, it is just between you and me.”
“Okay.”
“First off, how are you feeling today?”
“Down, but I have been like this. I have been like this for a while, I have just ignored it though. It hasn't gotten bad yet, well it has, but I don't care. I am able to make it through a day, it's hard though. I am just sad a lot now though. And I have been. My life is good, but I concentrate on some stuff too much. And my mind is too loud, I can't get a good night's sleep because I can't turn down the decibel level of my brain. It shouts at me every night, the thoughts endlessly turning.”
“Wait, can you please go back to being sad. We need to talk about that.”
“Okay, what do you need to know?”
“How long has this been happening?”
“A couple months.”
“A couple months? You've been down for months and haven't told anyone?”
“Yeah, I don't want to trouble anyone. I can contend with most of my problems well and this one has been no different. But yeah I have been sad for a long time.”
“Are you seeing a counselor about this?”
“Well yeah, but no. Yeah because I just started seeing one because of school but no because there is no set schedule for me yet, because it is during school. And I can't miss that doctor.”
“Okay. Well when you saw this counselor what did you do?”
“ I told them my life. I mean it was the first session. I had seen a counselor before but stopped due to me not feeling bad anymore. But this is all new stuff. So I told her everything, I missed an entire class to tell her my life story. I told her that I wasn't supposed to live.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I was a twenty four week preme. I was on the edge of life. I just told her everything about myself, no details were left uncovered. And by the end of it she just had a few things to say.”
“Like what?”
“She wondered why I am even going to school at this moment in life. She believed I shouldn't be there. That I have too much going on to even think about getting an education right now. She told me I had heavy anxiety. She told me my panic attacks aren't going to go away because of what I have been through. She told me how amazing it was for me to be here, and how lucky I am. And she told me that she is never going to be able to look at me the same again. Basically she told me what I already knew.”
“Can you elaborate on the whole fact that she believes you shouldn't be at school?”
“Well yeah. She believes I am too emotionally unstable to be involved with that right now. I am “terribly sad” right now. She said anyone else wouldn't be at school right now.”
“Did she mention medicine of any kind to you?”
“She said that there is medicine that can help me, but I didn't ask anymore.”
“We have medicine that can help you with this, stuff that will make you happy when you are just a bit too down. Are you interested in any of this?”
“No, I don't want to be on uppers.”
“Well if you ever change your mind I can get you on it. I believe you should be on it from what you are telling me. But that is a moot point if you don't want it. So let's continue she said “heavy anxiety” correct?”
“Yes, she knows that I suffer from anxiety and that I feel uncomfortable in so many situations because of this.”
“And we have medicine for that too. Do you want it?”
“Nope.”
“Well if you ever change your min –“
“I know. Nope though”
“Okay then on to the last thing. Panic attacks. How often do they happen to you?”
“A few times a month, it all depends though.”
“How many did you think you had in your worst month?”
“Five or six.”
“FIVE OR SIX?”
“Yeah. What I can deal with it, or at least I think I can”
“How were they characterized? With pain in your chest, shortness of breath –“
“Yes. All of the normal signs of panic attacks.”
“Do you want any medic --”
“No, I am good.”
Depressive black metal. That is what I am listening to right now. I am listening to myself but whatever. I don't want this stuff to change me and I fear that is what would happen. I am afraid of how it would affect our relationship and our long term goals, and even my short term goals. I am scared that my habits would get even worse and I wouldn't even be able to get through school.
I know you're afraid of all that. But if a doctor strongly recommends you to take it,listen to them. If not, don't. I don't want you to change. It would kill me... But I don't want you to be stuck in the rut that I was... because that would hurt so much more to watch you go through that.
I know my state of mind isn't right right now. Hell this is just one long piece that is just I don't even know. Medication, I think I may be coming to you though.
I don't want to be a drone though. I JUST WANT TO BE ME.
